Boundaries define where we end and other people begin, both physically and emotionally. Psychologically, they define a space we see as our own, separate from other people. When we are in love or feel very close to another person through friendship, collaboration, or special circumstances, boundaries may get blurred, as we see ourselves not as separate from them. However, even then boundaries continue to be an important piece of our emotional health.
Boundaries are affected by individuals’ life experiences, as well as by different cultures. Societies where there is a strong emphasis on group cohesion have boundaries within the group that tend to be more flexible and relaxed. In societies like ours, with its emphasis on the individual, boundaries tend to be stricter.
Boundaries also vary according to gender. Women tend, in general, to have less clear boundaries than men. Hence they tend to be pushed around, manipulated and being controlled and abused more than men. Women also tend to be more afraid of confrontations, so they are more likely to go along with what another person wants in order to avoid conflict or hurting their feelings.
Extreme positions in boundaries –too inadequate or too rigid – tend to create psychological problems. Lack of healthy boundaries can lead to abuse, taking responsibilities for someone else’s decisions and actions, losing one’s sense of identity, and so on. Boundaries that are too rigid keep people in isolation, as though they were within a bubble that nobody can break through.
How do we develop healthy boundaries?
- Look at your upbringing and see how your family interacted with you: did they respect your private space? Did they leave you alone in areas where you needed guidance and support?
- How do you see yourself in relation to others? Do you see yourself as controlling? Or more likely to be controlled? When somebody is bothering you, what is your most likely response?
- Decide the areas where you are not willing to compromise and make plans to protect them. Stick to your resolve. People may not like your stand, but they will respect it.
- While you become more aware of your own boundaries, don’t forget those of others! If you want them to respect your boundaries, you need to do the same with theirs.
- When you feel your boundaries are being violated, respond in ways that are clear, direct and to the point. Don’t worry so much about not being liked. Worry more about being heard. This does not mean you need to be aggressive, even though at times this is necessary, but aim at being assertive.
In essence, if you want people to respect your boundaries, you need to start from yourself. Most of the time people respond to how you act, so set a clear example of how you want to be treated. Above all, remember that, no matter how close you feel to another person, there is always a part of you that remains separate from the relationship and THIS IS NOT ONLY OK BUT HEALTHY.
