When we are in pain, mornings can be the most difficult parts of our day, as they force us to think about the day ahead, and all the things we need to do but don’t want or have the energy to face. So, the daily activities we look forward to when we are well, now become reminders of what causes us pain. We feel we have no energy to take a shower and get ready for the day, for instance. We’d rather pull the blanket over our heads and go back to sleep, so we don’t have to face a reality and feel overwhelming emotions out of our control.

Even at these painful times, however, daily routines are very helpful, because they gradually move us out of this paralyzed state. When we force ourselves to get up even if we want to stay in bed, in fact, or when we make ourselves take a shower and get dressed, we begin to feel a little less helpless and powerless.

We shouldn’t give in to sadness and pain because these feelings will paralyze us more and more if we don’t fight them. So, we need to force ourselves to go through daily routines as though each day was a normal day and we felt all right. Daily routines, even in times of sadness and pain, keep us in touch with the reality around us. They maintain a sense of consistency and continuity even when we are not well. And it is by facing reality, day in and day out, that eventually we will lift the veil of apathy, disinterest, pain and sadness that can keep us paralyzed.

There are situations where, for one reason or another, we have to let go of our daily routines. Their loss – due to illness, divorce, relocation or getting old, for instance – creates anxiety and discomfort, as though without them we temporarily lost our bearings. Older people who move into retirement homes, for instance, typically have difficulties adapting to a life where daily routines are so different and foreign to them. Older people, as they learn to rely less and less on their memory, sight and hearing because they are not as sharp as they used to be, and who battle mental confusion, rely more on their outside environment to compensate for these internal losses. So, relocation needs to be handled with sensitivity and awareness that these changes can be quite difficult.

When older people are moved from a familiar environment to a strange one, in fact, at first they feel lost. They may be unable to function at their usual level and they may appear to be more confused. To re-establish daily routines for them and make sure they are helped at the beginning, can make the relocation much easier. As they gradually get used to their new environment and re-establish daily routines, they often are able to regain their previous level of functioning.

These challenges, to a bigger or lesser extent, affect anyone who moves from a familiar place to an unfamiliar one, not only older people. It is important, therefore, to make sure that, wherever we are, we set routines in place as soon as possible in order to preserve a feeling of continuity and normalcy so fundamental for our wellbeing.

Feel free to offer your views on this topic by clicking the comments button below.

Our minds seem to be focused most of the time on major events, decisions we need to make, grand plans for the future. We believe this is what makes our lives meaningful; it is what we look forward to, what gets us up in the mornings and get us ready for a new day. And, of course, this is true. But it is the little things that are parts of our daily routines that provide the scaffolding for our lives. The familiarity of doing the same things day in and day out anchors us to the present, and provides continuity, predictability and comfort.

I love getting up in the morning and start my daily routines. I know exactly their sequence, from one to the next, as I have done in the same order for longer than I can remember. These times have a magical quality to them, suspended as they are between sleep and wakefulness. They allow my body to gradually transition from one state to the other, without pressure, and without too much effort. This is the time when I don’t think about what is awaiting me during the course of the day, or what happened the day before or the day before that. I JUST AM.

Likewise, we believe that our history is made up a bunch of events that happened to us or around us, one after the other, in a sequel defined by time and place. In reality, our past is mostly made up of day-to-day familiar activities, with something extraordinary sprinkled here and there. These familiar activities make up most of our past and keep it alive, reinforcing our identities.

When I remember the house where I grew up, for instance, I can still smell its smells, and hear the daily noises of life back then. I recall the daily routines that constituted my life. Now those routines remind me of a time in my life that stretched over several years, made even longer by the fact that, as a young person, time seemed to move at a much slower pace than now.

So, tomorrow morning when you get up and go through your routine daily activities, appreciate them as reminders that you are alive, that life is normal and you are the same person you were yesterday and hopefully will be tomorrow.

But what happens when we are in pain, when we feel depressed, anxious, sad, or lonely?

In the next blog I will discuss how the little things that make our lives great when we are in a good place may increase our stress and frustration when we are in pain.

It’s like when you go to the doctor because you don’t feel well. The doctor treats the symptom, but also decides to run some blood work, maybe sends you to have an x-ray or an electrocardiogram to find out what is behind your symptoms. When the results come back, the doctor may tell you that you have high blood pressure, or high cholesterol, or high blood sugar you did not know you had. You probably wouldn’t have found out about these conditions until they got much worse. Without knowing, you wouldn’t have taken care of them with proper medications, a healthier diet and changes in your life style. So, going to the doctor, even though you went for a different reason, may have saved your life.

When an affair occurs, some partners get stuck in anger and hurt, as we said in our previous blog. If they continue to stay there without doing anything about the situation, chances are their relationship won’t survive. Some couples, however, don’t want to let go of their relationship and are willing to explore what can be done to heal the wounds. They may decide to seek professional help to guide them out of these stormy waters.

In therapy partners may find out that one of them was feeling isolated, sad, mad, disillusioned, caged in, or uncomfortable with closeness, commitment and intimacy. In therapy they may uncover events and feelings that began the distancing process between them, perhaps quite some time ago, but that they never discussed with one another, because they were not aware of them. Now they have an opportunity to get these feelings out into the open, acknowledge them and share them with one another in an environment that feels safe. And what happens?

In therapy, the cheated partner finds a place where he or she can talk about feelings of hurt, disbelief, anger, disappointment and fear. The cheater may feel relieved that he or she doesn’t have to keep secrets any longer. He or she may begin to work at understanding why the infidelity occurred. Both can examine their feelings not only about the affair, but also about their relationship in general, and together work at repairing the damages to it. This process, though grueling and painful, is a transformative experience that will make partners feel closer together. It is a life saver because it makes couples look and address deeper, often unconscious issues, just like the visit to the doctor that sounded the alarm for other, underlying medical conditions hitherto unknown to the patient.

Of course, seeking therapy for infidelity is not the only way of addressing the problem, but it is certainly one of the best tools couples have available. The therapist is the professional whom provides support and guidance to couples; helps them get in touch with their feelings and identify the root causes of their problems; teaches them new skills about healthy communication, and guides them towards acceptance, understanding and, finally, forgiveness.

At the end of therapy, couples know each other better and are ready to make a new commitment to each other, borne out of the hard work together. By going through this transformative experience, couples discover an unexpected gift: their love for each other, which they had thought was gone forever.

Do you have a story that reflects this experience? Please comment on this blog, so that we can provide hope for couples who are willing to do the work to restore their love and trust in one another and get their marriage back on the right track.

We want to hear from you…please comment below.

It is important to remember that in most cases affairs are symptoms of something deeper that is going on in intimate relationships, of which couples may not have been aware.  And here is where I can see the silver lining. The affair is such a shocking event in their lives that couples cannot ignore it, while in the past they may have ignored other, less obvious symptoms.

It’s like when you go to the doctor because you don’t feel well. The doctor treats the symptom, but also decides to run some blood work, maybe sends you to have an x-ray or an electrocardiogram to find out what is behind your symptoms. When the results come back, the doctor may tell you that you have high blood pressure, or high cholesterol, or high blood sugar you did not know you had. You probably wouldn’t have found out about these conditions until they got much worse. Without knowing, you wouldn’t have taken care of them with proper medications, a healthier diet and changes in your life style. So, going to the doctor, even though you went for a different reason, may have saved your life.

When an affair occurs, some partners get stuck in anger and hurt, as we said in our previous blog. If they continue to stay there without doing anything about the situation, chances are their relationship won’t survive. Some couples, however, don’t want to let go of their relationship and are willing to explore what can be done to heal the wounds. They may decide to seek professional help to guide them out of these stormy waters.

In therapy partners may find out that one of them was feeling isolated, sad, mad, disillusioned, caged in, or uncomfortable with closeness, commitment and intimacy. In therapy they may uncover events and feelings that began the distancing process between them, perhaps quite some time ago, but that they never discussed with one another, because they were not aware of them. Now they have an opportunity to get these feelings out into the open, acknowledge them and share them with one another in an environment that feels safe. And what happens?

In therapy, the cheated partner finds a place where he or she can talk about feelings of hurt, disbelief, anger, disappointment and fear. The cheater may feel relieved that he or she doesn’t have to keep secrets any longer. He or she may begin to work at understanding why the infidelity occurred. Both can examine their feelings not only about the affair, but also about their relationship in general, and together work at repairing the damages to it. This process, though grueling and painful, is a transformative experience that will make partners feel closer together. It is a life saver because it makes couples look and address deeper, often unconscious issues, just like the visit to the doctor that sounded the alarm for other, underlying medical conditions hitherto unknown to the patient.

Of course, seeking therapy for infidelity is not the only way of addressing the problem, but it is certainly one of the best tools couples have available. The therapist is the professional whom provides support and guidance to couples; helps them get in touch with their feelings and identify the root causes of their problems; teaches them new skills about healthy communication, and guides them towards acceptance, understanding and, finally, forgiveness.

At the end of therapy, couples know each other better and are ready to make a new commitment to each other, borne out of the hard work together. By going through this transformative experience, couples discover an unexpected gift: their love for each other, which they had thought was gone forever.

Do you have a story that reflects this experience? Please comment on this blog, so that we can provide hope for couples who are willing to do the work to restore their love and trust in one another and get their marriage back on the right track.

I would like to hear from you on your views. Please click on the “comments” button below to make your view known.

Here I want to approach this subject from a different perspective: infidelity as an alarm system about the state of the relationship, and as an opportunity to make it stronger.

Yes, I know that about 2/3 of relationships where one or both partners cheat end in divorce. As a psychotherapist working with couples, I also know how difficult it is to stay with the pain caused by infidelity and work thorough it. I am keenly aware of how hard it is to forgive and move on. However, in my long career of counseling couples I have seen some of them get stronger and closer to one another after infidelity was uncovered.

So, what makes the difference between couples who survive infidelity and couples who don’t?

There are several factors, in my opinion, that contribute to the difference. Some of them are:

1. The cheater admits to his or her behaviors, rather than being found out;
2. The infidelity is an isolated event, rather than part of a pattern;
3. The infidelity was short lived and did not involve deep feelings on the part of the cheater;
4. Couples used to have good communication and felt close to one another earlier in their relationship, even though at some point they lost closeness;
5. Couples live in a social/religious environment where cheating is strongly looked down upon, and where there are less opportunities to get away with it;
6. Couples have a strong feeling of what is right and wrong;
7. The cheater has the ability to feel empathy for the partner and remorse for the cheating, and the other partner has the ability to forgive.

When these elements are in place, couples have a much better prognosis of surviving infidelity.

After an affair is uncovered, couples respond to it in different ways. All feel an array of intense emotions, like confusion, anger, rage, hurt, fear and disappointment. Some of them, however, are eventually able to get past them and move on. Others stay stuck in a cycle where the cheated partner continues to feel pain and anguish caused by the betrayal, and the cheater maintains a defensive stance and an unwillingness to talk about what happened. When this is the case,  progress is extremely difficult to achieve.

The truth is, very often couples don’t know what to do to address their problems in a healthy way and reduce the pain and hurt they feel. One common approach is to say to each other, “Let’s start again. Let’s forget the past. What happened happened and we cannot change it, so why think about it?”

Well, this approach never works, as avoidance is not a solution to any problem, including infidelity. The simple reason for this is that we cannot forget something so traumatic, so unexpected and still unresolved.

Cheated partners have questions without answers and feel emotions they cannot express. Because security and trust in each other are gone, they cannot process thoughts and feelings with their partners, who used to be their source of comfort and support and now are the cause of their suffering. Without being able to processing their feelings, partners cannot re-establish trust and security in their relationship, thus maintaining a vicious cycle of attacks and defensiveness that cannot be broken.

In order to break this vicious cycle, feelings and the events that caused them need to be addressed together, at the risk of putting the finger on the wound that is still bleeding. Facing the issues rather than avoiding them is actually the way in which the wounds can be healed.

In the next blog post I will talk about what successful couples can do to get their relationship back on track.

Connections help make life less scary and overwhelming for all of us, starting from infancy and continuing throughout life. They also allow us to share its beauty with people we love. Above all, connections help us regulate each other’s emotions, making them more manageable. We all had the experience of being scared about something. We cannot calm ourselves down, no matter what we say to ourselves. We call a trusted friend, or our emotional partner, or a family member with whom we feel safe. We tell them what is scaring us. They seem to find the right words to calm us down, soothe and reassure us. Chances are they are not saying anything dramatically different than what we could have said ourselves. And yet, when it comes from them rather than from us what they say has a healing quality that our self-talk lacked. Influenced by their words, we calm down: we breed slower, we feel our body relaxing, we feel our heart to quieting down and returning to beat at a normal rhythm again.

What is this power from loved ones that affects our bodies and minds? It is the feeling of security that comes from the relationship that determines how we respond to their interventions. In other words, it isn’t so much what they say to us, but what their words reflect that is healing. Their words reflect closeness, trust, love, concern, presence, attunement and, ultimately, security. When we feel secure we are no longer scared. This process is not unlike what happens between a parent and a toddler. The toddler falls, and immediately starts screaming at the top of his lungs. The parent comes close, picks him up, holds him close and starts talking to him in a calming, soothing voice. “Don’t worry, you did not get hurt. You are all right. I am here now. Nothing bad will happen to you.” Like magic, the toddler stops crying because the danger is no longer present, as the parent reassures him he is not alone. The physical proximity of the parent provides the feeling of safety the toddler needs to stop being afraid.  The danger is gone. The toddler feels safe again.

Nothing can take the place of these precious connections. Valuing the people we love and keeping them close is very important. Getting involved in the community is a way of developing connections when we live alone, reducing isolation and increasing a feeling of belonging and being useful.

At times, when we don’t have an opportunity to connect with another human being, a close connection with a pet provides comfort and companionship, reducing isolation and disconnection. Everybody can benefit from a close relationship with a pet, but in particular older people who live isolated and only children.

What are the connections you value in your life? Feel free to make a comment below by clicking on the comments button.

This last statement is actually the one that gets us at the deepest level, as we tend to look up to public figures to model proper behaviors for us. The Gores, in their public life, always reflected an image of solidity, mutual care, reciprocal respect and resiliency. In a world where things can change faster than we can process them, the Gores reflected our needs for consistency and predictability, and our belief that love can indeed be eternal and immutable. With their announcement to get divorced, all this seems to crumble. But is it really crumbling? Or is it merely changing? Is it them or us?

We tend to project onto people, particularly public figures, emotions we feel about ourselves. Our assessments about their behaviors, actions and decisions, therefore, tell more about who WE are than who THEY are. So, our reactions to the Gores’ announcement tell us more about how WE feel about marriage and divorce, than what THEY think.

And what do we think? We want to believe that, if we make it through the tough years of our relationships, we will reach a place where we won’t have to worry about problems any more, where we don’t have to work on the relationship any longer, but just coast. We want to believe that if people like the Gores can stay together for 40 years and still be happy, so can we. Their decision to divorce, therefore, is a huge threat to these fantasies, raising our anxieties about the future of our intimate relationship and challenging our needs for security and predictability.

And what do the Gores think? They tell us that they want to remain friends. That this was a consensual decision they reached after careful thinking and discussing with one another. If that is the case, perhaps their decision is not a negative one but one that may offer them new opportunities, new options at this point in their lives. Or perhaps they just gave up, believing there was nothing more they could or wanted to do to save their love.

It is true that couples who have been married for ten years or less are more likely to get divorced than couples who are older and have been together for many years. However, new trends indicate that the fastest growing segment of the population seeking divorce are people in middle age and older and that women are as likely to initiate divorce as men are. (Deirdre Bair, The 40-Year Itch, New York Times, 6/2/10.)

Perhaps the Gores’ announcement to divorce is a sign of the times, where older people see life as full of opportunities they don’t want to miss? Could it be a reflection of seeing middle and old age not as an end, but as a new stage they want to live as fully as the previous ones?

Middle aged and older people today are more vigorous, open to new experiences, healthy and curious about life than ever. For some of them this new view of middle and old age means better quality in intimate relationships, whether this means staying with a partner of many years and continue to improve these relationships, or moving their separate ways.

The baby boomers are the “me” generation, focused in taking care of their needs and feeling they deserve everything life has to offer. Perhaps this new divorce increase among them is yet another indication of this self-absorption?

Whatever the reasons behind the Gores’ decision, it challenges us to rethink what we want in life and what we want and need to do to achieve and preserve it.

We welcome your comments on this timely story. Click the comment button below to make your comment.

Boundaries are affected by individuals’ life experiences, as well as by different cultures. Societies where there is a strong emphasis on group cohesion have boundaries within the group that tend to be more flexible and relaxed. In societies like ours, with its emphasis on the individual, boundaries tend to be stricter.

Boundaries also vary according to gender. Women tend, in general, to have less clear boundaries than men. Hence they tend to be pushed around, manipulated and being controlled and abused more than men. Women also tend to be more afraid of confrontations, so they are more likely to go along with what another person wants in order to avoid conflict or hurting their feelings.

Extreme positions in boundaries –too inadequate or too rigid – tend to create psychological problems. Lack of healthy boundaries can lead to abuse, taking responsibilities for someone else’s decisions and actions, losing one’s sense of identity, and so on. Boundaries that are too rigid keep people in isolation, as though they were within a bubble that nobody can break through.

How do we develop healthy boundaries?

1. Look at your upbringing and see how your family interacted with you: did they respect your private space? Did they leave you alone in areas where you needed guidance and support?
2. How do you see yourself in relation to others? Do you see yourself as controlling? Or more likely to be controlled? When somebody is bothering you, what is your most likely response?
3. Decide the areas where you are not willing to compromise and make plans to protect them. Stick to your resolve. People may not like your stand, but they will respect it.
4. While you become more aware of your own boundaries, don’t forget those of others! If you want them to respect your boundaries, you need to do the same with theirs.
5. When you feel your boundaries are being violated, respond in ways that are clear, direct and to the point. Don’t worry so much about not being liked. Worry more about being heard. This does not mean you need to be aggressive, even though at times this is necessary, but aim at being assertive.

In essence, if you want people to respect your boundaries, you need to start from yourself. Most of the time people respond to how you act, so set a clear example of how you want to be treated. Above all, remember that, no matter how close you feel to another person, there is always a part of you that remains separate from the relationship and THIS IS NOT ONLY OK BUT HEALTHY.

Now I will address the loss of a job and the similarities and differences between job loss in the current recession versus job loss during other difficult economic times in recent history.

Possibly the most striking difference is that currently people are not only losing their specific job, but often they lose the opportunity to find a job again in their area of expertise. We have seen whole industries disappear, with no other prospects of employment for the people who used to work in them.

As I live in Arizona, which is one the areas most affected by this recession and one of the slowest to recover from it, I am quite familiar with the stresses people in real estate and related businesses are suffering. Real estate was an area that, in the past, had been growing at an incredible speed in this State. People had moved here from other states to seize the opportunities that seemed endless. Individuals and businesses were accumulating a lot of wealth and thought this trend would go on forever. Now a lot of these people are not only out of a job, but they have lost most if not all their investments and there are no jobs to be had in this field.

Understanding what is happening to them provides a unique perspective not only on what happens when a person loses his or her job, but also what follows the loss of the job: how people recover, or not, and how they are affected by these negative changes, as they continue to affect their lives.

An array of feelings is experienced following a job loss, at times in close succession, repeatedly, at times concurrently. This is not unlike the feelings created by a death or a chronic terminal illness. Feelings range from panic, deep sadness, confusion, guilt, wrath, anger, frustration, self doubt, and back to panic, rage, sadness, and on and on. This process can take months, even longer if the situation does not improve. With some individuals it may never end, particularly if they are forced to take jobs with much less prestige, recognition, pay and responsibilities, or jobs that are outside their areas of knowledge and experience.

Loss of Identity, Loss of Purpose, Loss of Self-Worth, Loss of Power and often Loss of Social Network and Community are all psychological losses that deeply affect people who lose their jobs.

If you have experienced a job loss, we invite you to tell us how it affected you and what did or did not help you to get through these difficult times. Click the comment button below.

Families are the most typical places people go to in order to borrow money, yet family relationships are also the most sensitive to money matters. Adult children may see borrowing money as embarrassing and humiliating, after they finally achieved independence from their parents. Now the boundaries they set up with their families in the past – respect my privacy; don’t pry; don’t push; don’t preach – no longer hold. Lenders may ask questions before deciding whether or not to help the person in need. Borrowers feel forced to disclose where their money goes, what they buy regularly, what they could do without… The balance of mutual respect, privacy and distance that previously existed between them is now being shaken to its core. Now dad, for instance, or an older sibling or a close friend may ask them very specific and detailed information about how they got to this place or why they have not found a job yet. They may feel entitled to give them unrequested advice about what they should do to improve their finances, where they should live, and so on. In other words, they are treated like children who still need to be guided and supervised.

At the other end, the person or persons who lend the money may also feel awkward.  They may want to help, but find hard to discuss borrowing money with someone with whom they had a different kind of relationship. They wonder whether their relationship will remain the same, or if money will change it in some basic way.

Additionally, at times when a person, say a relative, asks for money, this situation can create tension with other members of the family. For instance, in a marriage the husband may want to help his younger brother who lost his job and is getting evicted if he does not find some money real soon. The wife, however, may feel quite differently. Helping her brother-in-law may tie up some money that had been ear- marked for a family vacation, for a new washing machine, or something special for the kids.

Is there a healthy way of dealing with these situations?

The most important thing to do is to keep clear arrangements, as much as possible. When you borrow money, make sure you offer a time table within which you will repay your debt. Be frank: think about your situation and give yourself a realistic deadline for repayment. Don’t make this deadline too tight, because you may not be able to achieve your goal. But even if you don’t, it is often better to re-negotiate the deal than to leave arrangements about repayment open ended. Write a contract if you can. Offer to pay interests. Make sure to say that you will work hard at preventing this transaction from affecting the relationship. Tell the lender that your relationship with them is very valuable to you and you will work your hardest to treat borrowing as a business deal, with expectations and obligations. Do not avoid this person after you get the money. Embarrassment and shame may push you to hide. However, if you avoid the other person, they may wonder about your intentions. Don’t wait for them to ask you questions. Whenever there is an opportunity, make some comments about what you are doing to improve your financial situation. You don’t have to report your progress to them blow by blow, but you may want to share as much as you are comfortable, so they are kept in the loop by you. All of this means that you now need to see borrowing money as part of your relationship with them, a part that you acknowledge, take seriously and handle responsively.