And how long do the effects of emotional connections last? There may be a huge difference between the length of contact and their half life. Half-life is the period of time it takes for a substance undergoing decay to decrease by half. It is a term typically used to measure how long medications work after we take them. Paraphrasing the above definition, I apply it to the period of time it takes for the effects of connections to be reduced by half in people’s minds.

Some connections, the most important ones in our lives, live on forever, their “decaying” never taking place. At times, a very brief encounter can touch and affect us in very deep and transformative ways that can also last a life time.  Others may fade through time, with varying degrees of speed in “decay.” Others have very brief half-lives, lasting but a few seconds.

The relationships we develop with our primary caretakers during our childhood years continue to have a very powerful influence throughout our lives, possibly the longest half-lives of all connections, regardless of whether they were good or bad. They mold us into who we become as human beings. They teach us rules and ways of being that eventually become second nature to us. Even when not consciously thinking about them, they influence our views, decisions, choices and our emotional reactions to events around us.

Relationships with friends also affect us deeply, molding our social personae into who we want to be.  Our emotional partners hold a special place in our hearts, and our connections with them affect what we seek, value or fear in intimate relationships. Their half-lives vary according to the quality of these relationships.

Other relationships also can have long lasting half-lives, even if we may not be aware of them.  As a psychotherapist, I feel privileged to be in a position of touching people’s lives in very special ways. When my patients first get to my office, they are in pain. This facilitates their opening up to me and allows me to see through some of their defenses and resistances. When they leave, I often wonder what they will retain of our work together, and which part of our relationship will hold special value for them and will have the longest half-life.

We often don’t directly know how we affect other people. When, after a long time of not hearing from them, I hear from my patients again, they tell me which part of our relationship is still alive in their minds. This part is no longer mine, but has become part of who they are.  After all, we are all made of bits and pieces we took from people who touched and influenced us from birth on. All these people become parts of our identities. Holding on to these bits and pieces keeps us connected with those who influenced us, even when they are no longer present. When someone dear to us dies, we remember some traits of the departed, as they have now become part of who we are. This process is called internalization and it is very useful in making the grieving process more tolerable.

The fact that we can touch people’s lives in meaningful ways is the reward that makes our work as psychotherapists and counselors well worthwhile. There is nothing like it.  The feedback that our help may have contributed to improve the lives of some of our patients is absolutely priceless. This feeling is so powerful that it keeps us in the helping professions motivated to continue what we are doing. It is our biggest reward.

If I touched even only one person in all the years I worked as psychotherapist, my entire career will have been well worthwhile.

So, let’s be grateful for this gift of touching each other in ways that can be transformative and healing, and let’s use it generously with all the people in our lives.

Our minds seem to be focused most of the time on major events, decisions we need to make, grand plans for the future. We believe this is what makes our lives meaningful; it is what we look forward to, what gets us up in the mornings and get us ready for a new day. And, of course, this is true. But it is the little things that are parts of our daily routines that provide the scaffolding for our lives. The familiarity of doing the same things day in and day out anchors us to the present, and provides continuity, predictability and comfort.

I love getting up in the morning and start my daily routines. I know exactly their sequence, from one to the next, as I have done in the same order for longer than I can remember. These times have a magical quality to them, suspended as they are between sleep and wakefulness. They allow my body to gradually transition from one state to the other, without pressure, and without too much effort. This is the time when I don’t think about what is awaiting me during the course of the day, or what happened the day before or the day before that. I JUST AM.

Likewise, we believe that our history is made up a bunch of events that happened to us or around us, one after the other, in a sequel defined by time and place. In reality, our past is mostly made up of day-to-day familiar activities, with something extraordinary sprinkled here and there. These familiar activities make up most of our past and keep it alive, reinforcing our identities.

When I remember the house where I grew up, for instance, I can still smell its smells, and hear the daily noises of life back then. I recall the daily routines that constituted my life. Now those routines remind me of a time in my life that stretched over several years, made even longer by the fact that, as a young person, time seemed to move at a much slower pace than now.

So, tomorrow morning when you get up and go through your routine daily activities, appreciate them as reminders that you are alive, that life is normal and you are the same person you were yesterday and hopefully will be tomorrow.

But what happens when we are in pain, when we feel depressed, anxious, sad, or lonely?

In the next blog I will discuss how the little things that make our lives great when we are in a good place may increase our stress and frustration when we are in pain.

It’s like when you go to the doctor because you don’t feel well. The doctor treats the symptom, but also decides to run some blood work, maybe sends you to have an x-ray or an electrocardiogram to find out what is behind your symptoms. When the results come back, the doctor may tell you that you have high blood pressure, or high cholesterol, or high blood sugar you did not know you had. You probably wouldn’t have found out about these conditions until they got much worse. Without knowing, you wouldn’t have taken care of them with proper medications, a healthier diet and changes in your life style. So, going to the doctor, even though you went for a different reason, may have saved your life.

When an affair occurs, some partners get stuck in anger and hurt, as we said in our previous blog. If they continue to stay there without doing anything about the situation, chances are their relationship won’t survive. Some couples, however, don’t want to let go of their relationship and are willing to explore what can be done to heal the wounds. They may decide to seek professional help to guide them out of these stormy waters.

In therapy partners may find out that one of them was feeling isolated, sad, mad, disillusioned, caged in, or uncomfortable with closeness, commitment and intimacy. In therapy they may uncover events and feelings that began the distancing process between them, perhaps quite some time ago, but that they never discussed with one another, because they were not aware of them. Now they have an opportunity to get these feelings out into the open, acknowledge them and share them with one another in an environment that feels safe. And what happens?

In therapy, the cheated partner finds a place where he or she can talk about feelings of hurt, disbelief, anger, disappointment and fear. The cheater may feel relieved that he or she doesn’t have to keep secrets any longer. He or she may begin to work at understanding why the infidelity occurred. Both can examine their feelings not only about the affair, but also about their relationship in general, and together work at repairing the damages to it. This process, though grueling and painful, is a transformative experience that will make partners feel closer together. It is a life saver because it makes couples look and address deeper, often unconscious issues, just like the visit to the doctor that sounded the alarm for other, underlying medical conditions hitherto unknown to the patient.

Of course, seeking therapy for infidelity is not the only way of addressing the problem, but it is certainly one of the best tools couples have available. The therapist is the professional whom provides support and guidance to couples; helps them get in touch with their feelings and identify the root causes of their problems; teaches them new skills about healthy communication, and guides them towards acceptance, understanding and, finally, forgiveness.

At the end of therapy, couples know each other better and are ready to make a new commitment to each other, borne out of the hard work together. By going through this transformative experience, couples discover an unexpected gift: their love for each other, which they had thought was gone forever.

Do you have a story that reflects this experience? Please comment on this blog, so that we can provide hope for couples who are willing to do the work to restore their love and trust in one another and get their marriage back on the right track.

We want to hear from you…please comment below.

It is important to remember that in most cases affairs are symptoms of something deeper that is going on in intimate relationships, of which couples may not have been aware.  And here is where I can see the silver lining. The affair is such a shocking event in their lives that couples cannot ignore it, while in the past they may have ignored other, less obvious symptoms.

It’s like when you go to the doctor because you don’t feel well. The doctor treats the symptom, but also decides to run some blood work, maybe sends you to have an x-ray or an electrocardiogram to find out what is behind your symptoms. When the results come back, the doctor may tell you that you have high blood pressure, or high cholesterol, or high blood sugar you did not know you had. You probably wouldn’t have found out about these conditions until they got much worse. Without knowing, you wouldn’t have taken care of them with proper medications, a healthier diet and changes in your life style. So, going to the doctor, even though you went for a different reason, may have saved your life.

When an affair occurs, some partners get stuck in anger and hurt, as we said in our previous blog. If they continue to stay there without doing anything about the situation, chances are their relationship won’t survive. Some couples, however, don’t want to let go of their relationship and are willing to explore what can be done to heal the wounds. They may decide to seek professional help to guide them out of these stormy waters.

In therapy partners may find out that one of them was feeling isolated, sad, mad, disillusioned, caged in, or uncomfortable with closeness, commitment and intimacy. In therapy they may uncover events and feelings that began the distancing process between them, perhaps quite some time ago, but that they never discussed with one another, because they were not aware of them. Now they have an opportunity to get these feelings out into the open, acknowledge them and share them with one another in an environment that feels safe. And what happens?

In therapy, the cheated partner finds a place where he or she can talk about feelings of hurt, disbelief, anger, disappointment and fear. The cheater may feel relieved that he or she doesn’t have to keep secrets any longer. He or she may begin to work at understanding why the infidelity occurred. Both can examine their feelings not only about the affair, but also about their relationship in general, and together work at repairing the damages to it. This process, though grueling and painful, is a transformative experience that will make partners feel closer together. It is a life saver because it makes couples look and address deeper, often unconscious issues, just like the visit to the doctor that sounded the alarm for other, underlying medical conditions hitherto unknown to the patient.

Of course, seeking therapy for infidelity is not the only way of addressing the problem, but it is certainly one of the best tools couples have available. The therapist is the professional whom provides support and guidance to couples; helps them get in touch with their feelings and identify the root causes of their problems; teaches them new skills about healthy communication, and guides them towards acceptance, understanding and, finally, forgiveness.

At the end of therapy, couples know each other better and are ready to make a new commitment to each other, borne out of the hard work together. By going through this transformative experience, couples discover an unexpected gift: their love for each other, which they had thought was gone forever.

Do you have a story that reflects this experience? Please comment on this blog, so that we can provide hope for couples who are willing to do the work to restore their love and trust in one another and get their marriage back on the right track.

I would like to hear from you on your views. Please click on the “comments” button below to make your view known.

Here I want to approach this subject from a different perspective: infidelity as an alarm system about the state of the relationship, and as an opportunity to make it stronger.

Yes, I know that about 2/3 of relationships where one or both partners cheat end in divorce. As a psychotherapist working with couples, I also know how difficult it is to stay with the pain caused by infidelity and work thorough it. I am keenly aware of how hard it is to forgive and move on. However, in my long career of counseling couples I have seen some of them get stronger and closer to one another after infidelity was uncovered.

So, what makes the difference between couples who survive infidelity and couples who don’t?

There are several factors, in my opinion, that contribute to the difference. Some of them are:

1. The cheater admits to his or her behaviors, rather than being found out;
2. The infidelity is an isolated event, rather than part of a pattern;
3. The infidelity was short lived and did not involve deep feelings on the part of the cheater;
4. Couples used to have good communication and felt close to one another earlier in their relationship, even though at some point they lost closeness;
5. Couples live in a social/religious environment where cheating is strongly looked down upon, and where there are less opportunities to get away with it;
6. Couples have a strong feeling of what is right and wrong;
7. The cheater has the ability to feel empathy for the partner and remorse for the cheating, and the other partner has the ability to forgive.

When these elements are in place, couples have a much better prognosis of surviving infidelity.

After an affair is uncovered, couples respond to it in different ways. All feel an array of intense emotions, like confusion, anger, rage, hurt, fear and disappointment. Some of them, however, are eventually able to get past them and move on. Others stay stuck in a cycle where the cheated partner continues to feel pain and anguish caused by the betrayal, and the cheater maintains a defensive stance and an unwillingness to talk about what happened. When this is the case,  progress is extremely difficult to achieve.

The truth is, very often couples don’t know what to do to address their problems in a healthy way and reduce the pain and hurt they feel. One common approach is to say to each other, “Let’s start again. Let’s forget the past. What happened happened and we cannot change it, so why think about it?”

Well, this approach never works, as avoidance is not a solution to any problem, including infidelity. The simple reason for this is that we cannot forget something so traumatic, so unexpected and still unresolved.

Cheated partners have questions without answers and feel emotions they cannot express. Because security and trust in each other are gone, they cannot process thoughts and feelings with their partners, who used to be their source of comfort and support and now are the cause of their suffering. Without being able to processing their feelings, partners cannot re-establish trust and security in their relationship, thus maintaining a vicious cycle of attacks and defensiveness that cannot be broken.

In order to break this vicious cycle, feelings and the events that caused them need to be addressed together, at the risk of putting the finger on the wound that is still bleeding. Facing the issues rather than avoiding them is actually the way in which the wounds can be healed.

In the next blog post I will talk about what successful couples can do to get their relationship back on track.

Connections help make life less scary and overwhelming for all of us, starting from infancy and continuing throughout life. They also allow us to share its beauty with people we love. Above all, connections help us regulate each other’s emotions, making them more manageable. We all had the experience of being scared about something. We cannot calm ourselves down, no matter what we say to ourselves. We call a trusted friend, or our emotional partner, or a family member with whom we feel safe. We tell them what is scaring us. They seem to find the right words to calm us down, soothe and reassure us. Chances are they are not saying anything dramatically different than what we could have said ourselves. And yet, when it comes from them rather than from us what they say has a healing quality that our self-talk lacked. Influenced by their words, we calm down: we breed slower, we feel our body relaxing, we feel our heart to quieting down and returning to beat at a normal rhythm again.

What is this power from loved ones that affects our bodies and minds? It is the feeling of security that comes from the relationship that determines how we respond to their interventions. In other words, it isn’t so much what they say to us, but what their words reflect that is healing. Their words reflect closeness, trust, love, concern, presence, attunement and, ultimately, security. When we feel secure we are no longer scared. This process is not unlike what happens between a parent and a toddler. The toddler falls, and immediately starts screaming at the top of his lungs. The parent comes close, picks him up, holds him close and starts talking to him in a calming, soothing voice. “Don’t worry, you did not get hurt. You are all right. I am here now. Nothing bad will happen to you.” Like magic, the toddler stops crying because the danger is no longer present, as the parent reassures him he is not alone. The physical proximity of the parent provides the feeling of safety the toddler needs to stop being afraid.  The danger is gone. The toddler feels safe again.

Nothing can take the place of these precious connections. Valuing the people we love and keeping them close is very important. Getting involved in the community is a way of developing connections when we live alone, reducing isolation and increasing a feeling of belonging and being useful.

At times, when we don’t have an opportunity to connect with another human being, a close connection with a pet provides comfort and companionship, reducing isolation and disconnection. Everybody can benefit from a close relationship with a pet, but in particular older people who live isolated and only children.

What are the connections you value in your life? Feel free to make a comment below by clicking on the comments button.

This last statement is actually the one that gets us at the deepest level, as we tend to look up to public figures to model proper behaviors for us. The Gores, in their public life, always reflected an image of solidity, mutual care, reciprocal respect and resiliency. In a world where things can change faster than we can process them, the Gores reflected our needs for consistency and predictability, and our belief that love can indeed be eternal and immutable. With their announcement to get divorced, all this seems to crumble. But is it really crumbling? Or is it merely changing? Is it them or us?

We tend to project onto people, particularly public figures, emotions we feel about ourselves. Our assessments about their behaviors, actions and decisions, therefore, tell more about who WE are than who THEY are. So, our reactions to the Gores’ announcement tell us more about how WE feel about marriage and divorce, than what THEY think.

And what do we think? We want to believe that, if we make it through the tough years of our relationships, we will reach a place where we won’t have to worry about problems any more, where we don’t have to work on the relationship any longer, but just coast. We want to believe that if people like the Gores can stay together for 40 years and still be happy, so can we. Their decision to divorce, therefore, is a huge threat to these fantasies, raising our anxieties about the future of our intimate relationship and challenging our needs for security and predictability.

And what do the Gores think? They tell us that they want to remain friends. That this was a consensual decision they reached after careful thinking and discussing with one another. If that is the case, perhaps their decision is not a negative one but one that may offer them new opportunities, new options at this point in their lives. Or perhaps they just gave up, believing there was nothing more they could or wanted to do to save their love.

It is true that couples who have been married for ten years or less are more likely to get divorced than couples who are older and have been together for many years. However, new trends indicate that the fastest growing segment of the population seeking divorce are people in middle age and older and that women are as likely to initiate divorce as men are. (Deirdre Bair, The 40-Year Itch, New York Times, 6/2/10.)

Perhaps the Gores’ announcement to divorce is a sign of the times, where older people see life as full of opportunities they don’t want to miss? Could it be a reflection of seeing middle and old age not as an end, but as a new stage they want to live as fully as the previous ones?

Middle aged and older people today are more vigorous, open to new experiences, healthy and curious about life than ever. For some of them this new view of middle and old age means better quality in intimate relationships, whether this means staying with a partner of many years and continue to improve these relationships, or moving their separate ways.

The baby boomers are the “me” generation, focused in taking care of their needs and feeling they deserve everything life has to offer. Perhaps this new divorce increase among them is yet another indication of this self-absorption?

Whatever the reasons behind the Gores’ decision, it challenges us to rethink what we want in life and what we want and need to do to achieve and preserve it.

We welcome your comments on this timely story. Click the comment button below to make your comment.

Even before this recession occurred, the percentage of adult children moving back home was on the increase in this country. A New York Times survey indicates that between 2000 and 2008 the number increased by 32% nationwide (New York Times, 3/22/10.) As of 2008, 20% of adult children were back home with their parents, or had never left. These figures are likely to continue to increase, as young people cannot find employment, are saddled with huge student loans they cannot repay, or are going back to school to increase their employment opportunities in the future.

What are some of the implications of this trend?

It is part of the American culture to be independent, to seek one’s fortune and move out of one’s parents’ home to go to college, or to find a job, at times very far away from the parents’ home. This is very different than what happens in a lot of other countries, particularly more traditional ones, where adult children continue to live at home. In Italy, for instance, most adult children, male and female, continue to live at home well into adulthood. There seems to be little social stigma in these familiar arrangements, which are seen as indications of strong family ties and sound cultural traditions rather than failure on the part of adult children to succeed independently.

In this country, however, there often is a sense of discomfort, even shame, in an adult person admitting he or she is still living at home.  Some of them complain it is difficult to date, as it is embarrassing to tell they don’t have a place of their own. So their romantic life can be quite affected by these arrangements. It is also difficult to feel like an adult when your parents are asking you at what time you will be home. Some of them, before they had to return home, may have had some time on their own. For them, being back home may feel like they are regressing and being treated as children again. This can have serious implications for their self esteem and self image.

With some adult children, however, living at home with their parents is not a strenuous experience. They are glad they can spend more time with family and don’t have to worry about making ends meet. There is some comfort that comes from being with someone who loves them. But these people seem to be a minority.

One way or the other, there are some boundaries that need to be established for these arrangements to work for everybody involved. Both parents and adult children need to sit down and talk about each other’s needs and discuss how they can be sensitive to them. Parents need to remind themselves their children ARE adults, even if they live with them at the present time. This means they need to give them the space they need, and respect their abilities to make decisions for themselves. Adult children, in turn, need to respect parents’ lives as being different now that when they were little. Parents need space to pursue their own interests and activities, and may not want to be thrown back into the full time parenting. With regular conversations about how to make these arrangements work for everybody, conflicts and strains can be managed, and all people involved can actually enjoy this opportunity to reconnect and get to know each other as ADULTS.

Give us your thoughts below by clicking comments.

Feel free to make a comment about it by clicking on the comment button below.

I am about to begin a mulitple post “journey” of a recently married couple, Paul and Francesca. We are going to post each week for a total of 52 weeks on this blog.

Please come back often to visit and see how this wonderful story unfolds. I don’t want to spoil the storyline, but I want to tell you that you will thoroughly enjoy it!