The Lesson to be learned.
Even though a situation of disagreement can cause tension and discomfort when parents and adult children are together, it is important not to become defensive, but keep an open mind and open communication.
When parents and adult children’s views clash, let’s remember that there is some truth in what parents are seeing, and there is truth in what adult children are seeing as well. Different people’s viewpoints add, not detract to our views, providing a more complex and thorough understanding of situations and feelings. The more facts we have at our disposal, the better decision we can make. Even if uncomfortable, all parties should engage in a dialogue where each can express their viewpoints and feelings. Everybody involved should be respectful of differences of opinion, and not try to impose their opinion on anyone else, no matter on which side of the equation they stand.
Lovers typically tend to focus on how they feel for one another NOW, believing these feelings are more important than anything else and will last forever. Parents, on the other hand, may look beyond current feelings and focus on shared values, their adult child’s mate’s upbringing and life experiences, as these often contribute to shape his or her character and views of him/herself and others. These, parents believe, may affect the quality of the attachment and the longevity of the relationship. Parents may relate their own experiences and those of people they encountered through their lives in their assessment of what is needed to make intimate relationships healthy and resilient.
If you are a parent, to be vocal in a forceful way about your views can backfire and strengthen the very relationship you are trying to discourage. Remember this golden rule: GIVE YOUR OPINION ONLY IF ASKED. The most important lesson to be learned from this experience is that it forces you to stretch, to challenge your limitations and prejudices, become more flexible, let go of being in control and get out of your comfort zone. When you are able to do all this, you grow.
If you are an adult child, listen to your family with an open mind, and integrate this information when making your own decision. Your parents’ input will help you go beyond the present and think about the future with your significant other. You may see elements that might have escaped you, as their experiences are different than yours.
For all parties involved, this situation creates new boundaries that determine how relationships are to be maintained from now on. These should be based on mutual respect, acceptance and good will.
If differences cannot be overcome, family or couple counseling can help clarify the individual issues and positions. Counseling can provide a safe forum for each family member in which to express feelings without fears of retaliation. Identifying, addressing and understanding the issues can prevent making extreme, irreversible decisions later. It can also set new ways of being in each other’s lives while accepting individual difference and need for autonomy.
Make a comment here and tell us your story. How do you successfully handle the situation of the person in a relationship with your child?
