Strengths and Possible Red Flags

I read the first three posts of “A Marriage Story.” I have some thoughts and comments that I would like to share as a psychotherapist who works with couples.

First of all, let’s talk about the strengths this couple – Paul and Francesca – show. They both love each other deeply. This is good because love creates a good foundation for managing and dealing with challenges and difficulties when they arise. And even if love changes, it is comforting for couples to recall a time in their relationship when they felt close and totally in love with one another. The memory of this magic time helps struggling couples fight challenges they will be experiencing.

Also, remembering these loving times becomes part of the JOINT NARRATIVE COUPLES CREATE TOGETHER. These narratives remind them of who they are to one another. Their past together can help them create a future together.

Paul and Francesca enjoy each other’s company and like each other. They feel close to one another. They have a mutually satisfying sex life. 

Also, although they are newly wed, they have lived together for a year, so they have some knowledge of life together and the easy and difficult areas they have and may encounter again in their future.

They also seem to have a good balance of responsibilities in life and to have an egalitarian marriage. Not that this is a necessary ingredient for happiness and longevity in love, but it does help. The more egalitarian a relationship is, the more intimacy is likely to develop.

There is a reference to both being “professionals.” This means they are not very young. Statistics show that when people marry past the age of 25 they seem to have better chances of making it than people who marry very young.

Another indication of strength is Francesca’s ability to pay attention to what is happening with her and Paul, and try to go beyond the surface in her reflections. Questioning herself whether what is going on bill paying is an isolated issue or part of a deeper, more complex one reveals someone who has some insight and who wants to understand. For the time being, she is just making herself more aware of some possibilities. Time will tell us what she will do.

Now, the red flags. Of course it is way too early to talk about red flags, so I will limit myself to some comments about how Paul and Francesca are handling the issues they have mentioned in their blogs so far.

Paul felt left out as Francesca was spending a lot of time with plans and preparations for the wedding. Although she seemed to be aware, at least partially, of his feelings, there is no mention of them discussing this subject. Paul seemed to be conflicted with his feelings: on the one hand he was somewhat resentful of what he felt he was missing; on the other he felt guilty about having these feelings because, after all, this was his wedding too! It will be interesting to observe how he will deal with similar situations in the future. So far, he seems to throw some comments here and there, hoping Francesca will pick up on them and respond, like his comments about having too much to do around the house. However, Francesca is, so far, ignoring them. We will see if he finds a different – and more effective - way of communicating to her how he feels.

Francesca, on the other hand, seems to be frustrated about the lack of support she gets from Paul for doing all she is doing. She also has not yet decided what to do about it. She does not want to give in like her mom, but has not opened up communication with Paul on this subject either. We will watch how these areas will unfold.

Francesca feels she is doing more around the house than Paul. “Division of Labor” is often an area of strain in couples. It is difficult to quantify what each does. Often one partner may be more prompt – like Francesca - about getting things done than the other – like Paul -  who may be more relaxed and casual. Both may feel unappreciated by the other. One or both may feel overburdened. This is also an area we will watch and see how our couple will deal with it.