Strengths and Possible Red Flags - Part 4

My, oh my!  There seems to be a lot of turmoil in Francesca and Paul’s marriage these days!

Let’s talk about the pattern that has been developing in the last weeks and that continues to show up: Paul not discussing issues with Francesca and presenting her with final decisions she did not contribute to. We first saw this pattern when Paul lost his job and did not tell Francesca this was coming until after the fact. It continued with Paul not talking to Francesca about how he felt about losing his job and what plans, if any, he had for the future.

This pattern got reinforced yet again with the latest catastrophe: letting the house go, instead of continuing to pay the mortgage. How long had he been thinking about it? At least since after he went along with borrowing money from Francesca’s parents to replace the air conditioning unit. So, what happened after that? How did he go from investing in the house to deciding to let the house go?

It is obvious that Francesca feels completely abandoned by her partner. And now her home, which was, as she said, her grounding place, will soon be gone too. Clearly, her approach to discuss things with Paul doesn’t seem to be working, for what reason we don’t know. She seems to be at her wits end, while Paul continues with his quiet and reserved demeanor that excludes Francesca. 

Paul’s approach is not working either. If he continues to isolate himself and exclude Francesca, their relationships may not survive. I don’t want to sound too pessimistic, yet there are clear indications that some of the foundations of their marriage – having each other’s back; having an open communication; being on equal footing – have been jeopardized by the events of the past few months. These are the fault lines in their relationship that will get wider if not addressed. So far, any attempts to repair the damage caused by these disconnections has not worked.

Francesca says she wants to be a partner, not a child who is told what is going to happen but has no say in it. For some reasons we don’t know, Paul wants to handle things differently. Neither of them is happy at this point.

It is obvious both of them are under a tremendous amount of stress. As Francesca mentioned, neither of them is sleeping well these days. They don’t seem to have any outlets for their feelings, which are for the moment mostly kept inside. At times these feelings erupt in attempts to communicate that quickly turn into arguments, reinforcing disconnection and lack of trust in each other.

This situation is not atypical of relationships where partners do not share what is going on and become overwhelmed by external circumstances that are displaced onto each other. When this process gets started, it is difficult to stop it, unless both partners agree that something needs to be done and are willing to do it. I don’t see any happy solution unless the current dynamics between Francesca and Paul shift, allowing for improved communication between them.

If Paul and Francesca were my neighbors and asked my opinion at this juncture in their lives together, I would encourage them to seek psychotherapy. On average, couples who seek counseling for their relational problems wait seven years after their problems began before seeking help. Needless to say, by the time they get into a psychotherapist’s office, at times it may be too late.

Francesca and Paul are still at the very early stages of having problems. With both willing to work on them, they could work at repairing the damage caused to their relationship by the last few months, learn from this experience and move on. If not, the problems can became a wedge between them that prevents closeness and emotional safety and causes further damage to their relationship.